My Harbour of Dreams.
Just two weeks more to Hong Kong and every one is getting a little too excited for me because they believe Hong Kong is where I can finally forget my heartaches and start working for my dreams again. I have a tinge of Hong Kong’s blood right in me through my veins and I believe this will spur me to work towards my well planned dream of working in Hong Kong.
All ready and set to leave!
I can’t deny the fact that I’ve been running away from my pain because I chose to believe that if I run away from it, one day it’ll just naturally go away. I chose not to have a closure because I do not wish to be soaked in more lies. I also choose not to hear a single word from you because I believe I have a much better character than you and you’re not fit to talk to me since the moment you slept with another girl. You always said that I was haughty and full of myself but the fact is that I have every reason to be haughty. I do not sleep around and I for sure, do not have anyone hating on me the way I hate you. I have a good and clean record and this means I have much more social value than you. I will spread about all the bad that you have done so that no one else, except a foolish someone, will fall for your lies over and over again.
You always emphasised on the fact that my family is fucked up, but you know what, no matter how fucked up they were, my parents always said “Don’t break someone’s heart.” The fact that your family could condone your behaviour, tells a lot about you and your upbringing. I have a million things I can hurl on this white box, but I’d rather not because I don’t wish for anyone to blame it on my upbringing. My family is always right and because of our rich Chinese roots, I was always taught to walk on the right path. The wrongest path I took, was being in a relationship with you. As cliche as it sounds, my parents were right about you.
Someone told me that boys will always be boys and they will always be looking for greener pastures out there. 7 years ago, I had my heart badly broken too. He being 16 years old then, however, was man enough to apologise and was genuinely remorseful. Till this date, we still smile and chat with friendliness because it ultimately ended well. You, being 23 years old and claiming to be all that, chose to hurl a million vulgarities and curses at me. There were no sincere apolgoies, only a whole chunk of texts that meant nothing. I’m in no position to punish you for your mistakes, but trust me, the big guy up there will give you the punishment you solely deserve. You think you got away with everything. You’re happily back to square one and everything’s good for you right now. But trust me when I say that Karma might be late, but it always arrives. I know your guilt creeps up inside you at night and sometimes you wonder if I’m sleeping with another guy right at this second. When you’re happy with her, you’ll think of how it used to be me beside you. We had good memories and I made you happy, yes - But you threw it down the drain.
Your favourite line was, “Ï’m just not that kind of guy.”. Fuck you, you were exactly that kind of guy, just hundred times worse.
Till my last breath, I’ll always hate you.
Some days it doesn’t hurt, some days it hurts a whole lot. It hurts not because I fell hard for you, it hurts because I was such a fool to not believe what everyone said about you and got my fingers burnt so bloody terribly. It also hurts because I was so close with you before that I’m afraid the man who is worth it will not have as much with me as compared as with you. But what struck me today was that, the next guy is going to have me forever, and that’s a whole lot more worth of time and memories than a mere 9 months that came and went so quickly. Sometimes my jealous self takes over but I figured that no one will truly want someone like you out of love. I was foolish and I hope that God opens the eyes of all the girls before they start dating someone like you. You must have been God’s one and only mistake. I abhor you so much that it has made me a very angry person. I’m not someone who hates, but you’ve made me become someone so full of hatred and angst.
Someone once said that if you lose some, you’ll gain some. Losing you has made me gained a whole lot more and one thing is happiness. I’m truly happy and free and I’ve also finally seen how there are actually better guys than you in this world. You told me that no one else will actually love me like the way you do. Well you’re so true because there are now people who love me much more than the way you “did”. Love is kind and patient and you’re definitely no where near that.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. While I get stronger, you’ll get weaker because bad deeds ruin you within.
Go to hell the both of you.
You told me that it’s ok if I leave because you know for sure that you’ll find your way back to me.
Look I’m sorry, but I’m not that same girl who will wait for you till midnight just to have a touch of your jaw bone and have your penis fueling inside her.
I told you that if you were to ever break my heart, your life wouldn’t be easy. I guess from the way your texts keep coming in, you must be thinking of my smiles while you are fucking her. And even if they don’t come in, I know you are picturing me close to your body like a sleeve you are wearing.
"All this time
I drank you like the cure when maybe
you were the poison.
Something is wrong.
I think you want to hurt me and everything smells
like wasted blood."
Clementine von Radics (via clementinevonradics)
Deciding to forgive someone who has broken your heart time and time again doesn’t mean that you love him selflessly, it just means you’re too fucking stupid to look at what’s going on and too much of a coward to trust that life has so much better to offer…..
I guess it just means the both of you are right for each other. But again, if you guys are right for each other, nothing should have came in between for one whole year.
It’s not that it doesn’t hurt. It’s just that I choose not to bleed for you because having you before was a waste of my time and I don’t want to waste any more time on you.
You’re not a prize.